All about Love, Life, Relationships

Do you take on much more than you can chew either in your professional or personal life? Do you find yourself frequently stressed out from tackling more than what you’re willing and comfortably able to? If you answer yes, then you probably know firsthand how hard it is to say no.

‘No’ feels like an ugly word

Up until early adulthood, I couldn’t say “no.” Wanting always to spare people’s feelings and out of a misguided sense of duty, I’d say “yes” to almost anything, everything and anyone.

I found it hard to refuse friends and loved ones so I’d find myself doing for them what they themselves could easily handle. I couldn’t turn down invitations so I’d attend functions I didn’t want to, sometimes ending up bored or being with persons whose negative behavior weren’t healthy for me. I’d lend money or things to people whose track records were questionable just because I felt compelled to. Others would convince me I’m the one most capable of getting things done, volunteer my services on my behalf and I’d say yes.

Against my better judgment I’d take on whatever was dished out to me regardless of how busy and loaded I was. Being the “spineless me” I was back then, I’d do this either out of a bloated sense of self or out of cowardice and the fear that if I didn’t, I’d miss out on something big.

Saying ‘Yes’ left me physically and emotionally stressed

Whatever the reason, clearly, I was prisoner to the ego’s machinations and antics. My ego was either positively starved or truly well fed because I’d frequently oscillate between feelings of inferiority and superiority. They egged me on, leaving me over committed and spent from spreading myself too thinly and scattering my energy over so many concerns.

It wasn’t a light bulb moment that marked my turning point. The dawning came gradually until one day, I just became aware I didn’t feel good anymore with all the stuff I was worrying about, taking care of or laboring over. But it felt much worse to realize that I had no one to blame but myself.

Each time I lacked the courage to say, “Enough. I already have too much on my plate than I can graciously handle,” I failed to honor my space and thus, encouraged others to walk all over me.

How I learned to say ‘No’

My “enlightenment,” should have made things easier thereafter. But it was still an uphill climb from there. Given my inherent timidity, “no” wasn’t an active word in my vocabulary. I thought saying no would incur others’ wrath or disapproval, or would diminish my worth in their eyes.

To bolster my spirit, I had to take baby steps, starting with little “no’s” first and working my way to the big ones. Every inch of the way, I had to learn to pause first and ask, “What’s the worst thing that can happen to me if I don’t take this on?” If the answer were something I could live with, I’d risk saying no. That was the beginning of my liberation.

Saying ‘No’ to others leaves time to say ‘Yes’ to myself

Learning to say no was challenging and daunting for me. But keeping at it paid me big dividends. Once I recognized the pull and attraction of externals like approval, fame, fortune, and power and learned to resist them when necessary, it became easier to put myself first on my agenda.

When I did, life not only became much lighter, kinder and a lot less stressful, it also gifted me with the time I needed to cultivate my passions and freed me to do many of the things I enjoy, like writing.

Saying ‘No’ leaves time for people that really matter to me

Now, while it is true I’m not as affluent as I want to be or as “sought after and indispensable” as I used to be, I am, however, content. Surprisingly in fact, in some ways, I do feel immensely rich. I have treasures that are priceless and valuable – like time and energy. With enough of these on my hands, I know I can draw in all the other things that would truly enrich the quality of my life and to care for the people who really matter to me.

Saying ‘No’ lets me do my best on things I say ‘Yes’

Now, each time I say yes and pour myself into something, I know I’m giving nothing but my all and nothing less than my best self.

For me, this makes learning to say “no” well worth the risks I’ve taken, the tradeoffs I’ve made, and the price I’ve paid.