Communication

This has been overly talked about, but most of us don’t get it. It is not just speaking words, exchanging talks; it is a matter of understanding each other’s needs and desires. Most of us fail to understand that communication is a commitment in itself. You just don’t listen, but you comprehend, you just don’t talk but you express.

In a relationship, you have to be honest, whatever your thoughts are you have to communicate them. We can’t just predict that our partner needs this, needs that and vice versa, sometime we end up assuming causing our relationship to fail. You thought that she’d rather want this or that, but you can always ask. In a loving relationship, never feel the burden that you should know all about your partner, you have to ask.

Effort

Effort is pushing yourself just a little bit more. Most of us are thinking that as long as everything is okay, we could be stagnant in it without doing anything out of the extraordinary. To make it burn more, you better throw in more logs. Relationships thrive in passion, if you don’t have that in you, then you will really get nowhere. Look at this, when love is new, we sacrifice a lot, we show the person that we love that he/she means everything to us, but the longer it goes, the fire wanes, we become too lazy to do anything, even those little things, like fetching them from work, surprising his/her favourite meal.

If our relationships become a little older, it doesn’t give us the right to stop giving it more of ourselves. A relationship is not like the sun, self-sustaining, it demands our efforts, even to the smallest things, if you want it to last, then make it last.

Time

The time we spend is almost equal to the value we give it. If you give your relationship 30 minutes of your time in a day, then it is the only worth as much as that. Some say it is not the quantity of time, it is the quality of time, I definitely agree. But if you can give both why settle for one? Relationships are nurtured; it can’t hang alone for a specific moment that it had experienced. We often make excuses that it really doesn’t matter how long we really spend it with the ones we love as long as we are giving our best, but it is not like that, it really isn’t, this is just a mechanism created, so that we could give our minds the peace it needs. In reality we could give more of our time, because if it matters, we make it matter in all aspect, quantity and quality.

Yes, it may be true that most of us are consumed by the amount of time spent in our offices, or what have we, but we have to realize, that if we really value our relationship, and want to make it last, would you really spend just 30 minutes to be with the one you love and reason out that as long as its quality it’s enough? I really don’t think so. Think about it, if it matters then make it feel that it matters.

Affection

It is the flame itself, if it’s not there then your relationship won’t stand a chance against the test of time. Affection does not rely on physicality alone but also on the emotional aspect. Those hugs, kisses, holding hands, it will mean more if it is done with utmost sincerity. Affection is underrated, and misunderstood. Affection is more than that physical presence, but it is the warmth sincere loving and caring. You can kiss someone and still lack affection. It is outpouring, self-emptying expression of what love is to us.

Most relationships die because the flame has gone out. Because we lack affection, doesn’t necessarily mean we lack physical connection, or that physical security, the embrace, the kisses, but it is most of the time, the lack of meaning in these physical acts. Great physical chemistry will eventually wear our if it has no meaning in it, don’t kiss because you crave for it, don’t make love if it’s out of physiological need, do things because they mean something to you. Affection is the verbalizing of our deepest emotions, so don’t be drowned in physicality alone.

These are the most important keys to make your relationship last. These are only guidelines; it will rely solely on your shoulders to make the right choice, the conscious decisions, and the important actions.

The author, Marianne Williamson says: “Forget your old ideas. Forget the lies they told you. Forget them all and you will begin to remember. There is a realm of romantic enchantment that makes the world we are currently living in seem not so very important, and not even so very real. That realm is entered two by two…”

Williamson believes that the myth of romantic love is a collective lie. She says romantic love is real and that we are meant to experience it if we do not balk at the work that is required of us. And if we understand that the deeper purpose of relationships is to nourish one’s own and the beloved’s spiritual growth, we can create our little piece of heaven right here on earth. This is because relationships are meant to create a healing space where partners can be their true selves, show their worst, do their most difficult emotional work, and yet be accepted and loved.

Problem with relationships is that they are not romantic

Looking at the state of most relationships today, however, it is evident that many married couples or those in committed relationships probably don’t know or have forgotten this truth.

Some go into a relationship either blindly or hastily or both only to discover much later that instead of a healing place, they just created a venue for aggravating or feeding each other’s neuroses. Other couples succumb to the societal pressure for procreation and material security.

Romance is not about past or future, society or worldly routines

Couples either become totally absorbed in achieving financial stability or in prioritizing their children’s interest and welfare above all, neglecting their own and their partner’s needs. In the process, love and spiritual growth are relegated to the background. Before they know it, the romance is over. Everything has become routine, predictable and ordinary. The magic is gone.

Clearly, if we want to have sacred and enchanted partnerships, we must consider priorities beyond procreation and security. Already, our world is very heavily populated and resources have become scarcer. And look at the children we are raising. In our desire to spare them our growing up pains and deprivation, we’ve gone overboard in trying to shield them from life’s harsh realities, pandering to most of their whims and caprices.

Yet despite our best efforts, we seem to have succeeded only in producing mostly apathetic, attention-deficient, dependent, insecure, selfish, weak, undisciplined, grasping, aggressive, lazy, complacent, and even violent children – children who appear to be worse off than we were then.

This is the world we are unconsciously creating today – one where love, romance and magic are very rarely experienced.

Romance is about who two people really are

Somewhere along the way, we forgot that our most important role in relationships is to nourish our love for self and for the beloved so that we can create a happy, healthy, stable and loving environment for our families even as we work for the other things we want in life.

We forgot that the best hope of a bright future for the next generation are parents who are conscious and mature enough to love each other and allow each to reveal one’s neurotic patterns, one’s weakest, darkest aspects so that together, the partners may work on them and heal themselves.

If we can be these kinds of partners, then we need not pass on to the next generation our dysfunction and the very experiences we are trying so hard to keep our offspring from repeating. Then we can transform this world of fear into one of love, creating the perfect atmosphere for raising healthy, happy, and well-adjusted children.

Relationships are meant to create a healing space

This is the magic of enchanted relationships: they liberate and empower us. They push our buttons and show us our walls, our limits, our deepest wounds so that we can heal. They are contracts for a deeper purpose than mere procreation or protection. They are partnerships for growing in consciousness enabling us to birth the miraculous things of spirit.

Unless these are the relationships we are in, we will not succeed in giving our children our best legacy – a healthy psyche – the wellness of mind, body and spirit.

And if the relationships we are in are not sacred or enchanted, then perhaps, it is time to listen to that still, small, but unmistakable Voice within that always knows best what makes life complete. When we do, He will lead us to the path we must take, the choices we must make and the work we must do to create the enchantment we want in our lives.

Many of us have suffered broken hearts, but we still don’t understand why it takes a long time to heal.

Here are a list of some common coping mechanisms used to at least ease the pain and, not long after, move on.

Coping mechanisms

1. Our circle of friends and their so called “Words of Wisdom.”

We call our friends and share with them the tale of our broken heart. Estranged with the situation, we often hear amazing words of wisdom like,

• “When God closes the door He will open a window”,
• “There are still plenty of fish in the sea”,
• or “If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be”.

Your biggest friend is yourself

Sometimes I am the one with the broken heart, sometimes the crying shoulder, and yes, they really do help you survive those horrible hours.

But sometimes, we really rely too much on our friends that their absence would only make us weaker. They can’t be available for us 24/7 because they have their lives too.

Their words of wisdom mean a lot, but at this point, our own wisdom is out of sight. It is just so hard to see through pain. Maybe if we say it to ourselves a million times, we may really start believing that these words of wisdom are indeed true.

Friends do help you survive those horrible hours, but most of the time your biggest friend is yourself, the one you have to be with the whole time. A little push from your inner voice can help you alleviate the pain

2. Vices, vices and vices.

We end up in bars, casinos or what have you. We tend to believe that this kind of bliss would take away the pain, help us cope with the hurting and take us through the night.

We splurge in gambling, the adrenaline will take us off hurting but then again, sometimes it adds more to the pain. We spend hours doing these so that time will pass by and will hardly notice it, hoping that through these vices we will eventually forget the painful emotion and go back to our lives.

These are superficial

Beer serves as a depressant, and the more it will drag you down. You only end up making your life more difficult, enveloping yourself with more pain and discontentment.

Alcohol does help us sleep, but too much of it will do us more harm than we are already experiencing, worst part is we end up doing things that will further jeopardize our condition.

They do sometimes take away the pain, but believe me, it is just superficial, tackling with a heartache demands a sober you, help yourself by not drowning yourself with these temporary solutions.

3. Keeping yourself busy with activities

Keeping yourself busy with sports, work, outreach and other recreational activities to help you pass the time and make you forget the pain for that moment. It helps you keep your mind away from the hurting. 

Choose activities you enjoy doing

This is a very healthy coping mechanism. Time is a key ingredient in mending hearts. By doing different activities, we unconsciously pass time and distract ourselves from the pain.

4. Isolation

We wallow in our bedroom, weeping for the lost love, spend hours, days, weeks, or months. Yes it is very much comforting when we release all these outbursts, all these pains.

We arrive at a certain state of comfort feeling much lighter after shedding some tears and some reflecting. We start thinking of things like why we are not compatible, why we are not meant to be, and then we end up hating, regretting that we had to know this person, then from hating we end up wishing hoping, wanting to be loved again.

It has its pros and cons

It’s really dependent on one’s coping ability. For some, reflecting does help. Isolation calms the mind and most of all the heart.

There are also times that isolation becomes hurtful than. It reminds us more of the ones we have loved so dearly. In the end, it will depend on how we will use this time for ourselves, on what are focus we will be.

The Great Conclusion

The heart has a mind of its own and is difficult to rationalize with. Pain is inevitable, no matter how strong we believe we are; getting a broken heart is all too common.

It takes time and patience to heal a broken heart. No matter what the medium is, healing is time consuming and very stressful. We have to hang on to ourselves, believe that through these dark moments, there is still a string of hope that will eventually help us out. We have to believe in ourselves, because if we don’t then no one else will. This is a journey that will measure our heart’s strength.

I am no genius in surviving heartbreaks. I even came to the thought that I wanted to give up on life because it was so unbearable, but I simply could not, because life is too precious to waste.

Life will be better, hearts will heal

Because I hanged on, I reaped rewards that I never imagined that I would have. Loving is indeed hoping, when love ends, hope ends.

When we are suffering, people would advice us to stop hoping, but the problem is not hoping, it is loving. We are all weak when it comes to love, but it doesn’t give us an excuse to not fight, to strive for a better life, to end the pain and smile again.

Remember that heartbreaks are not a reason to quit life but rather a challenge to make it better, to make it mean more. Loving relationships come and go, and if blessed, last through a lifetime. All things will get better, just last longer, moments will never decide our fate, but it is how we act in these moments that will define our lives.

Helpful quotes

• “God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.” – Anonymous
• “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” – Kenji Miyazawa
• “Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.” – M. Kathleen Casey

Learning the five love languages can be helpful. It will allow you to better understand your loved ones’ needs so you can express your love in a way they can easily understand and appreciate.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, people have different ways of expressing love but they can be categorized into five love languages:

Acts of Service

Act of Service people feel loved when they are served. You might want to look for hints about tasks that they would like to be done and then do it for them. It may be things like taking off their coat, doing the dishes, or cleaning the car. These things must be done willingly and joyfully in order to be perceived as an act of love.

Words of Affirmation

Everyone loves encouraging words once in a while, but if you’re one of those that need to hear ‘I love you’ everyday, then you’re probably a Words person. These type of people feel loved when they receive compliments or words of appreciation, such as ‘You look pretty’ or ‘Thank you for taking out the trash’.

Gifts

Gifts people could be easily misunderstood as greedy or selfish, but what they really like is the idea that you thought of them by bringing them something. Think of it as little remembrances. Simple things like a birthday card, bouquet of flowers, or home-made cookies will all be treasured by them.

Quality Time

Quality Time people believe that spending time together focusing on each other is the best way to show love. After coming home from work, they may want to talk about their day and how they felt. They may also want to know about your day too. Conversations with these people may take 30 minutes or more; so if you are with this type of people, turn off the TV and spend time with them.

Touch

Touch people communicate love through physical touch. It can be a powerful tool, as long as it’s gentle and loving. Touching soothes their pain, gives them comfort, lightens their mood, and shows care in a way that can’t be expressed by words. A hug, kiss, neck rub, caress, or holding hands are just a few examples.

Speaking your loved ones’ languages may be unnatural and uncomfortable for you, but remember that when we’re talking about love, we’re not talking about you, we’re talking about others around you.

Share your thoughts

• What is your primary love language?
• How do you express love to others?

There is no device or a quick-fix method to make this feeling go away instantly, to drive away months or years of attachment. Some people even take a lot of time to let something go and move on with their lives. Worst some fail to let go and never move on with their life.

The hardest thing to let go is someone you have loved so much, someone you have shared much of your life and you always thought he or she would be forever there. Once you build this attachment, it is like a habit to you, how your day will be is dependent on how your relationship is going to be with that other person for that day. It is an investment to put your heart completely to another person that when it fails, we go into emptiness.

When I lost the one I love

I never thought of letting go or moving on as an option for my failed relationship. I thought my relationship was never going to end, a fairytale come true. It felt like everything was going the way we wanted. We even planned our future together, believing that we were meant to be in that relationship. The sweet promises of forever, an everlasting love, we had it all. We spent almost two years together, everything was going well until one day she wanted a different life, a life that I am not part of.

Minutes were like hours, days were like months, and months were like years. The cycle was too tiring; I kept on crying, wishing and regretting. It was like I will never move on. It was just too hard, because I had built a world around this person. How can I just move on when I was still in love with her…? I just can’t move.

Why it was hard for me to let go

I fought a painful reality because I could not see myself being with another person, or her with another person. It was just hard to accept but it was inevitable. I tried pursuing her, tried all methods of persuasion, and prayed hard. I did everything that I could do, but she was never coming back. It left me so broken; I felt that I was trapped in the pain of defeat.

No matter how we enrich ourselves, we always feel that we are at a loss, thoughts of that person hang into our mind, dragging us into an abyss full of pain, regret and sometimes self-pity. We become so helpless, we just can’t let go of the fact that he/she is gone, we still want to hold on so much, but we find ourselves alone.

I am not a stranger to pain and to loss, but even with my deep experience I never found an easy way to let go. We love passionately, that when we lose, we become stuck. It is normal to feel this way, the feeling of wanting to hold on to that relationship, to that person, believing so much that things could still work out, or that person will still come back to us and pick us out from the pains of loneliness and heartbreak. But later on we realize he or she is never coming back.

What it takes to let go

Let Go! We have heard this so much, but we simply can’t, we just can’t… or can we? It takes a lot of courage, time and confidence. Courage, to stand and try to live life again. Time, to patiently wait and allow it to make all the hurt go away. Confidence, to believe in ourselves and know that we can be happy again.

What inspired me to move on

It was the fear of letting life go that sparked me the courage to look forward, to try and stand up with my weary legs. I was afraid that if I was too stuck in that moment, life will pass me by and end up miserable. I will not be a spectator of life, rather I will live life.

Most of us see the hardship of letting go as an escape to face life, as an excuse to give up. The champions of our lives are those who strive to live, to move on. We tend to forget that the hardest thing to do is live, at the same time it is the very reason that gives meaning to our being.

We need to live life, we will not try, and we cannot try. “Trying” to live a life is disrespectful to life itself, we don’t try, we will live life. Living demands us to live through the hardship. We can live life through all the pains, hardships because in the end it will help define the beauty of the life we had lived.

Let go, let go and let go. Release that emotional baggage and believe in life the way it believes in you. In this respect, we should realize that people are not under our control, we don’t control how they feel. They don’t owe us anything, nor do we owe them something. We owe life to ourselves, our happiness to our being. If we try to accept that we can’t control other people but only ourselves, maybe we will learn to let go, slowly, sincerely. We all are given the right to live, so exercise that right, get out and celebrate the beauty that is life.

Let go, let God

Life will always be meaningful, no matter how depressing life maybe. Letting go is just one of those struggles that we have to face. Be moved by people who have had the courage to move, to let go. If we find the pain to be too much, He is always there, just hang on a little longer. Remember that the best tip on letting go is praying to Him. No matter how harsh life is, He will always be there and will never let us go…

He will heal everything in His time. We just have to make that surrender and have that security in Him. Because in the end, the best solution is His love for us not the methods we read or the tips that we are advised to follow.

Share me your thoughts…

• What was your experience?
• How did you let go?
• What inspired you to move on?
• How is your life now?