Haven’t you noticed how most times we live in our minds? The endless and sometimes senseless chatter inside hold us hostage willing us to follow their lead mindlessly. Pause for a while to listen to your thoughts and you’ll know what I mean.

In the past year, my commitment to starting my day with a quiet interlude allowed me to challenge my conditioning and make some headway. Now, there are gaps in my incessant stream of mindless thinking. This year, I intend to make the gaps longer by living more consciously.

For those of you who may wish to make the same journey, I share the guiding premises Hendricks suggests. I’d have synthesized them if I could but there really is no better way of putting them than how the author said them.

Hendricks says, “None of us invents the journey of conscious living; we are heir to it. For thousands of years, people from east to west have been looking to the heavens and looking into their own hearts, wondering about the same fundamental questions:

• Who am I?
• Where do I want to go?
• What is my plan for getting there?
• How can I give and receive love to my full potential?
• What is my creative gift and how can I express it?”

Now, we continue asking these questions and perhaps, Hendricks’ ten guiding premises towards conscious living may help us find the answers.

Guiding Premise One: Authenticity is essential. A truthful life is both the outcome of the journey and the means of getting there. A successful life is an authentic life. Happiness and creativity rest on a foundation of transparency to yourself and others. Knowing your own heart and speaking clearly to others keep you on the path.

Guiding Premise Two: Things that can be felt and seen – peace of mind, happiness and the humane treatment of others – are higher-priority goals than religious concepts such as original sin or beliefs about life after death. The journey of conscious living is based on getting to a deeper level in yourself than beliefs and opinions, in order to experience the essence of what unifies people, not divides them.

Guiding Premise Three: Conscious living depends on finding out what goals are important to you, and moving toward those goals at a pace that allows you to feel vibrant.

Guiding Premise Four: The journey of conscious living begins when you take full responsibility for your life, and slams to a halt when you avoid responsibility for anything.

Guiding Premise Five: Happiness, success, and sound relationships depend on letting go of controlling things that are beyond your control. Examples of things you cannot control are the feelings of others, the future, the past and whether or not other people like you.

Guiding Premise Six: Spiritual growth comes through a deep embrace of reality, not through flights of arguable fancy. Transcendence is best accomplished by thoroughly acknowledging – rather than ignoring or denying – such human realities as emotions, sexuality, and conflict.

Guiding Premise Seven: It is possible to make rapid shifts in consciousness – from scarcity to abundance, from defensiveness to openness, from fear to love – and these shifts in consciousness will change the outer circumstances of your life.

Guiding Premise Eight: Peace of mind comes ultimately from making your deepest creative contribution to the community around you. When you make your full contribution, you feel happy, fulfilled, and at ease. When you don’t, you don’t.

Guiding Premise Nine: Commitment to certain key values – honesty, responsibility, gratitude – not only gives you an inner flow of harmony, but also rewards you with an authentic form of power that can be recognized by others. Authentic power comes from authenticity; false power comes from control and ego-aggrandizement.

Guiding Premise Ten: You can choose to become the source of attitudes such as gratitude and responsibility (rather than waiting for the events of life to inspire you to adopt them). If you wait for events to trigger those attitudes, you remain locked in a consumer rather than producer mode and keep yourself trapped in scarcity.

Hendricks invites us to “think of this year of living consciously as an evolutionary spiral in which we soar in ever-expanding circles.” I, therefore, invite you to soar high and may God bless you with all that you need for the journey!

]]> http://www.scribblejoint.com/670/10-guiding-premises-toward-conscious-living/feed 3 http://www.scribblejoint.com/565/do-you-feel-beautiful http://www.scribblejoint.com/565/do-you-feel-beautiful#comments Tue, 06 Oct 2009 09:36:34 +0000 Jane http://www.scribblejoint.com/?p=565 Did it ever cross your mind that we women may be accursed or something? How else can we explain this almost irrational fixation with our bodies, looks and age? Consider our never-ending litany of lamentations: dark armpits, wavy hair, jowls, neck wattles, laugh lines, warts, crow’s feet, varicose veins…

I don’t hear men obsessing about them or about flatter bellies, hairless legs, and whiter skin. Nor do they fret about whether they look older or younger than their age. So unless I’m mistaken, I believe it’s definitely a girl thing.

Whether it’s a case of vanity or low self-esteem or both, I really can’t say except we women seem to be afflicted with this malady in varying degrees. We agonize over the most trifle of beauty imperfections even when they’re visible only to our overly critical eye. And it is utterly mind boggling the lengths we go to just to make ourselves over and the money we splurge on all kinds of beauty treatments, aids and procedures – botox, liposuction, bleaching, cosmetic surgery, breast implants, nose and face lifts.

We’ve spawned a whole new industry that feeds on our weakness and brainwashes us into buying the illusion of hope and beauty. With media upping the ante by flooding magazines and our TV screens with beauty icons that magnify our “plainness”, morphing ourselves into becoming their clones is now almost an imperative.

Even screen goddesses themselves aren’t spared.  Celebrities too feel the pressure to be even more beautiful and to preserve their looks, body and youth. If even celebrities are susceptible to insecurity despite all the beauty potions and ammunitions in their arsenal, what more for us mere mortals?

We sure don’t stand a chance. Not against Nicole Kidman, Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts. Ah, we don’t even need to go that far. Let’s just take Lucy Torres-Gomez. Blest with a Madonna-like face, an enviable figure, impeccable style and manners, innocent sophistication, a flourishing career and what appears to be a good marriage, she makes me acutely conscious of my “inadequacies”: my moon shaped face, the pimples that have marred and scarred it, the lines that shout my age, and that other chin that seems to second the motion when I nod.

But the more staggering wallop on my self-esteem came when I discovered that aside from beauty, she has brains and loads of talent too! How, I thought can anyone have it all?! Isn’t that the height of injustice?

Perhaps if we were angels, we wouldn’t be affected by these punches to our self-esteem that come from nowhere and without warning. But human as we are we can’t just banish these feelings of inadequacy with the flick of a wrist. Society makes it doubly difficult for us when it feeds and reinforces this collective obsession for youth and beauty with its bias towards the young and the beautiful. As door after door opens effortlessly for them, beautiful people land themselves the choicest parts, the most-coveted deals and the best seats in the house – be it in love, at social gatherings or at work.

Only a woman so sure of her self, with a very strong self-image and a heightened sense of awareness can rise above the tide. But can we afford not to? How will we ever have a moment’s peace if we don’t? You see, in the end we really have only two choices: make peace with what we have or keep on bemoaning our “lack” while piling on the creams, resorting to nips and cuts, insertions, additions, and subtractions…But even if we’d opt for the second alternative, we cannot win the war against age or nature.

So, the sanest thing for us to do according to writer Martha Beck is not to look different or to change one’s looks but to look differently, that is, to change one’s perspective. Spiritual master Eckhart Tolle further says, “Illusion will never satisfy. Only the truth of who you are will ever set you free.”

Deep inside, there in the deepest recess where true beauty resides, those words resonate with me. But until that day when I can fully unearth it and be truly awake, I’d still be lapsing into unconsciousness every so often and doing all the insane things women do in the name of youth and beauty. Hopefully, that day would come pretty soon.

By some bizarre logic, we’ve made pain so much a part of our identity. It’s almost like we wouldn’t be “us”, we wouldn’t be “normal” if our lives were relatively free of pain or drama. They are like badges we proudly wear on our sleeves because they speak eloquently of the many battles we’ve fought and survived.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so drawn to pain? What purpose does it serve us to wallow in our pain longer than is necessary or healthy?

Could it be the sudden outpouring of concern and the attention we get from others when we lament our painful experiences? Or could it be we welcome pain because it serves our own interests to feel helpless and powerless? For if we’re indeed helpless, we cannot be accountable for anything. And if we aren’t accountable then it’s easy to shift the blame onto others and to simply whine about our miserable lot.

Joy is a choice we make everyday. We are in charge.

On the other hand, if we accept we have the power to make ourselves joyful and to rise above our pain, this means we aren’t the victims we’ve long believed ourselves to be. To acknowledge this is to force ourselves to admit, or at the very least consider, that most of the pain in our lives may only be self-created and self-inflicted. With this admission, we’d also have to accept that our lives are the way they are because we chose them to be this way.

That’s a hard pill to swallow because that means we can and must do something. We are in charge! Therefore, we are directly responsible for our lives. So even if we aren’t in control of certain circumstances, we can choose how to react to or even change what’s happening to us. Always.

This discovery can be frightening and daunting. Deep down, we fear and shun responsibility given the work and effort it requires. It means rocking the boat and shaking the status quo and that we ourselves will have to do the rocking and shaking.

But who wants to turn his world upside down? Isn’t it much more convenient and much easier to blame others or even God for our fate than to take responsibility for it?

It is our duty to be joyful. We are not meant to live pain-filled lives.

Apparently, we’re so used to pain we have trouble dealing with joy. We don’t know how to welcome joy into our lives. And even if it’s right at our doorstep, we can’t recognize it. We hesitate to let it in, afraid there are strings attached or that it’s too good to be true.

Joy is something very rare it’s almost foreign and alien to us. But spiritual masters like Rumi, remind us, “The soul is here for its own joy”.

Author Robert Louis Stevenson also says, “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world.” And so I believe we aren’t meant to live pain-filled lives. In fact it has often been said that if you refuse to accept anything but the best from life, you very often get it.

Unfortunately, it boggles our minds that it can be that simple. But I think it’s that simple if we can have unshakable faith in a God who loves us so unconditionally that He has given us the freedom to shape our lives whatever way we want for us to be happy. If we can believe this, then our fears and pain no longer have the power to paralyze us.

Find the “bless in the mess”

Indeed, whether we have caused the pain in our lives or are simply caught in the web created by others, author Julian Sleigh points out that we only have three options:

• Ignore the pain or fear and hope it will go away;
• Try and live with it;
• Look for the gift within our fear and benefit from it.

Of the three options, only the third makes sense. Ignoring pain will not make it go away. Living with pain is something we don’t have the energy to do forever. Therefore, the only sensible thing to do is to face our fear, our pain and search deep for the gift within and the meaning behind it. In the process, we just might come face to face with joy.

Be joyful.. because it is possible

Joy cannot but reveal itself when we discover that we are far greater than our fears and that most of them are unfounded and when we realize that we are far greater than our pain and that most of it is probably self-inflicted and self-created.

Then we will finally understand what poet Wendell Berry means when he urges us, “Be joyful because it is humanly possible.” We will find that it truly is. Now, if only we had the courage to believe that and put it to the test.

Before I turned forty, I never thought to ask myself if this is the life I want or if this is the real me. To be asking these questions would have sounded rather silly. Why wouldn’t this be what I wanted? I am living this life, am I not? Why wouldn’t this be me? Who else am I supposed to be?

Something about turning forty and nearing midlife, however, shoves these questions right at you and pushes you to confront your naked self. Sometimes, the awakening happens gently but if you’re like me who can be slow on the uptake, life ultimately strikes you so hard that you land on bended knees. Like what happened to me.

At first I didn’t heed the pebbles life threw at me to catch my attention. Then the stones came, cracking my façade wide open. Eventually, the intensity of the breaking forced me to see the shape shifter I had become. I had let others define me and had shaped my life and designed myself according to their expectations, specifications and standards.

Understand and prioritize roles

Deep within must have been an unconscious desire to impress and to win others’ approval. And so, depending on whom I was dealing with, I’d play a role and take on a certain form. Sometimes, I was daughter, at others, wife, then friend, mother, teacher, student, Catholic, woman, and so on. But regardless of the role, I strove to be the ideal every time.

In my mind, some kind of rule was always dictating my behavior. These rules which were self-imposed or imposed by others convinced me I needed to be a certain size, shape, weight, look, personality and had to be beyond reproach in order to be accepted. I felt like a robot, responding mechanically to internal and external stimuli as though someone had lodged a software program between my ears when I wasn’t looking.

Rigidity characterized my life yet I was oblivious of it. I felt claustrophobic but I couldn’t figure out why. I just felt driven to please people, disowning my opinions and convictions and putting myself last, as I tried to perform all my different roles. I was striving to be perfect but deep inside I was a mess and a mass of contradictions. This was not only exhausting and constricting but also painful.

By the time I realized this wasn’t the life or the “me” I wanted, my true self was almost beyond recognition.

There’s no one else like you, so create the best version of you

To get me on track, every so often life would nudge me gently. But I guess I wasn’t just in deep slumber. I must have been comatose because life had to hit me hard, push me against the wall, knock me off my feet and beat me up several times to rouse me from my stupor.

It took several humbling experiences, illness, family crises, and an almost 360-degree turnaround from a life that promised worldly success to a simple one before I finally faced who I had become.

As I stared appalled at this pitiful imitation of my true self, I knew I had to strip myself of all that were false and inauthentic. I also knew I had to pick up and take back all the pieces of the real me that I had lost or given away to others out of fear.

Reclaiming my true self demanded much courage and strength. But I had to do it despite my fears and even if it meant having to hurt the people I loved because I made them uncomfortable with the changes happening to me.

You’re never as good or as bad as people say

People around me had difficulty accepting I was no longer the people-pleaser I used to be: the one who was so careful about going against the norm, convention, tradition, about defying authority, or offending anybody; the one who wanted everyone to accept and like her, and who couldn’t sleep when someone didn’t.

They found it hard to accept this person who’s now willing to upset the apple cart, question authority, speak her own mind, stand for what she believes and go after her dreams. The change wasn’t easy for me, either, but I knew I couldn’t find peace unless I embrace my true self.

No need to prove your worth to the world

Experience had taught me the painful but liberating lesson that what’s fundamental is not how others see or value me, but how I see and value myself. If I’m okay with myself, then that should be fine with the rest of the world.

In any case, the rest of the world can just come and go in my life as they please. Whereas I, I’m the one who’s here for the long haul – the one who has to live with myself for the rest of my life. I might as well show up as myself instead of all those inauthentic versions of me others want me to be.

‘No’ feels like an ugly word

Up until early adulthood, I couldn’t say “no.” Wanting always to spare people’s feelings and out of a misguided sense of duty, I’d say “yes” to almost anything, everything and anyone.

I found it hard to refuse friends and loved ones so I’d find myself doing for them what they themselves could easily handle. I couldn’t turn down invitations so I’d attend functions I didn’t want to, sometimes ending up bored or being with persons whose negative behavior weren’t healthy for me. I’d lend money or things to people whose track records were questionable just because I felt compelled to. Others would convince me I’m the one most capable of getting things done, volunteer my services on my behalf and I’d say yes.

Against my better judgment I’d take on whatever was dished out to me regardless of how busy and loaded I was. Being the “spineless me” I was back then, I’d do this either out of a bloated sense of self or out of cowardice and the fear that if I didn’t, I’d miss out on something big.

Saying ‘Yes’ left me physically and emotionally stressed

Whatever the reason, clearly, I was prisoner to the ego’s machinations and antics. My ego was either positively starved or truly well fed because I’d frequently oscillate between feelings of inferiority and superiority. They egged me on, leaving me over committed and spent from spreading myself too thinly and scattering my energy over so many concerns.

It wasn’t a light bulb moment that marked my turning point. The dawning came gradually until one day, I just became aware I didn’t feel good anymore with all the stuff I was worrying about, taking care of or laboring over. But it felt much worse to realize that I had no one to blame but myself.

Each time I lacked the courage to say, “Enough. I already have too much on my plate than I can graciously handle,” I failed to honor my space and thus, encouraged others to walk all over me.

How I learned to say ‘No’

My “enlightenment,” should have made things easier thereafter. But it was still an uphill climb from there. Given my inherent timidity, “no” wasn’t an active word in my vocabulary. I thought saying no would incur others’ wrath or disapproval, or would diminish my worth in their eyes.

To bolster my spirit, I had to take baby steps, starting with little “no’s” first and working my way to the big ones. Every inch of the way, I had to learn to pause first and ask, “What’s the worst thing that can happen to me if I don’t take this on?” If the answer were something I could live with, I’d risk saying no. That was the beginning of my liberation.

Saying ‘No’ to others leaves time to say ‘Yes’ to myself

Learning to say no was challenging and daunting for me. But keeping at it paid me big dividends. Once I recognized the pull and attraction of externals like approval, fame, fortune, and power and learned to resist them when necessary, it became easier to put myself first on my agenda.

When I did, life not only became much lighter, kinder and a lot less stressful, it also gifted me with the time I needed to cultivate my passions and freed me to do many of the things I enjoy, like writing.

Saying ‘No’ leaves time for people that really matter to me

Now, while it is true I’m not as affluent as I want to be or as “sought after and indispensable” as I used to be, I am, however, content. Surprisingly in fact, in some ways, I do feel immensely rich. I have treasures that are priceless and valuable – like time and energy. With enough of these on my hands, I know I can draw in all the other things that would truly enrich the quality of my life and to care for the people who really matter to me.

Saying ‘No’ lets me do my best on things I say ‘Yes’

Now, each time I say yes and pour myself into something, I know I’m giving nothing but my all and nothing less than my best self.

For me, this makes learning to say “no” well worth the risks I’ve taken, the tradeoffs I’ve made, and the price I’ve paid.

Has this ever happened to you? Well you’re not alone. This has been a problem for many of us and we all hate it.

What causes shyness?

Shyness is basically fear of the unknown. It occurs when we are in unfamiliar situations.

We don’t know what people will say or think of us when we do something that is new to us. We avoid such situations to avoid feeling uncomfortable, hence the situation remains unknown and we remain shy.

How do we get over it?

Make the situation known! Force yourself to do it. Now I know we all don’t like the answer, but how else would you conquer fear aside from facing it?

What’s the worst that can happen if you go and say hi? She rejects you, people start laughing at you, and you walk away feeling stupid.

Is that so bad? Well, yes. But imagine this, what if you knew that you would end up with the girl of your dreams, but to get to her you’d have to be rejected and humiliated by 20 girls. What would you do? Wouldn’t you sacrifice your reputation to achieve your dream? I would go girl hunting right away! I would be very happy each time I get rejected, knowing that I’m getting closer to my goal.

Back to reality, we don’t exactly know how many times we’ll get rejected. But one thing is sure; every time you try, you’re one step closer to your dream.

Change your mindset

Changing the way you think during such situations should give you some courage to take action.

Some conversation starters I use

If you have a problem starting a conversation, here are some tips:

• A simple hi or hello with a smile, followed by a “How are you?”.
• Comment on something we both share in our environment, such as the hot temperature we’re experiencing or the long line we’re both waiting.

Share your experience

• Were you able to overcome shyness?
• What did you do to get over it?
• How do you start a conversation?

1. Use Your Talents

All of us are given talents; hence, you should identify the gift that you possess. The best way to start building confidence is by focusing on your talents. Your talents give you a sense of uniqueness and pride, which fuels your confidence. So if you are good in music, then practice more and join bands. Do whatever to amplify the abilities you already have.

2. You Can Do It

Tell yourself that you can do it! Do what you believe is right regardless of what others think. Unconfident people tend to be concerned of other people’s thoughts. The truth is, everyone around you is too busy minding his or her own life. So don’t waste your time minding others, just focus on your work.

Learn to take risks to achieve greater things. But if you commit a mistake, admit it, learn from it, then move on. See mistakes as stepping-stones to success. Just don’t give up. Success will come your way eventually. And the more success you have, the more you’ll say to yourself: “Hey, I can do it after all!“. Like the proverbial phrase, “from zero to hero“.

3. Learn to Socialize

Unconfident people are afraid of socializing. Thoughts like “What if they disagree?” or “What if I mess up?” come into mind, which makes you hesitate to engage in a conversation. There is no easy way to fix this. You just  have to give it a try, and you’ll soon realize it’s not so bad after all. The more you socialize, the more you realize that you are accepted. Your conversations will start to feel easier.

If you worry about what to say, keep up with the news and read about anything you find interesting. Being knowledgeable gives you more topics to talk about.

4. Be True To Yourself

Never act like you are someone else to feel good or confident. You are destined to be YOU. Sometimes we tend to do things for the sake of being socially accepted, like drinking or smoking.  This creates a loose image of who we really are, thereby, making us confused.

Confidence is not about how people see you but how you see yourself. You gain it once you finally learn to accept yourself, love yourself, and feel proud of yourself.

Now, if you’re thinking “How can I accept who I am? I’m not good enough unlike others!“, stop comparing yourself to them. First of all, everyone has flaws, everyone has problems, which you don’t see. The rich guy you often see in suit and tie, he may be filing a divorce. The popular guy who receives praises from everyone, he may be suffering from a certain disease. Once you realize their problems, you don’t want to be them. You need to realize that you are fine just the way you are.

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” This quote summarizes the 4th step.

5. Look Good, Feel Good

Always look your best. This will give you a secure feeling. Groomed hair, well ironed clothes, clean fingernails, fresh breath, these are little things that greatly improve our looks. Some of us feel insecure because of our physical aspects. There are things that we can do about this. For example, if you look skinny, you could go to the gym, or eat healthier meals. If you think your hair doesn’t look good then, go to a barber shop or a beauty parlor and consult a hair specialist on what kind of hair style fits you. Remember when you look good, you feel good.

Now, you may be feeling a lot better by reading these tips, but that’s not good enough! No amount of reading can improve your self-confidence. You need to get out there and apply them.

You can impress your lady by being a gentleman using these tips.

1. Always treat her like a princess
This includes everything from opening the door for her, pulling out a chair when she sits down, offering her your jacket when she is feeling a bit cold. Do whatever that will make her feel so treasured and well-taken cared off. These are things that may demand little in efforts, but mean really big.

2. Always listen.
When you are with her, give her undivided attention. It shows that you care. Listen attentively to what she says. May it be from a great weekend, a stressful day at the office, or of future plans with you. But don’t be too passive. Nobody enjoys talking to a wall.

If she complains about her problems such as a stressful day or about an irritating office mate, don’t cut her off. And never give unsolicited advice. She want sympathy, not solutions. Simply encourage her to talk about it by saying “What happened?” or “Tell me about it”. She wants your listening ear, not your bickering mouth.

3. Give sweet compliments
Every girl loves compliments, especially when you mean it. It could be as little as “you look pretty in your dress”, or as much as “you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”. But compliment on something you truly believe and choose your words wisely. Saying “sexy” can be offensive to some women.

You don’t have to limit compliments to physical beauty. You can admire her other traits such as her thoughtfulness by saying how you appreciate her bringing you breakfast when she knew you missed it.

4. Be polite to other people
We tend to forget that being a gentleman not only applies to how you treat your lady but also to people around you. Your lady may judge you based on how you treat others. Do not laugh boisterously when a man stumbles or walks right into a glass door. Your insensitivity will turn her off.

Say “Thank you” when a waiter serves you a glass of water or “Sorry” when you accidentally bump someone. Do this even when she’s not around. Don’t forget, people can talk about you, and you want to make a good impression.

5. Respect yourself
Picking your nose or biting your nails in front of your lady is a big no no. Be presentable. Clean your face, comb your hair and iron your clothes before you meet her. And of course, trim your nails and brush your teeth. Check that you don’t have bad breath. When talking, avoid swearing and using of profane words. Your lady wants a respectable man.